TOXIC EMPATHY – What does it mean?
Toxic empathy keeps us in bad relationships, impacts our parenting and children’s behaviour and causes us to sell ourselves out daily.
What is toxic empathy? How can I be doing compassion wrong? Aren’t I supposed to be empathetic?
Yes, empathy is a beautiful thing. Feeling for another, putting yourself in their shoes and relating to what they are experiencing is vital to healthy relationships. When you over-identify with another’s pain or distress or run yourself ragged to please others, your empathy is out of balance.
How does this occur?
Naturally sensitive people will always have to be alert to over-giving tendencies. Many are born with this greater capacity for empathy, like my daughter. At four years old, one of her best friends could be bossy and even hurt her if they didn’t get their way. When I would set consequences for this child, my daughter would be the one to cry and defend her friend, while the other child was petulant and defiant. My little girl can’t bear to see anyone upset and will acquiesce to pressure to make people happy. While her beautiful heart and caring nature make her so very special, I am working with her to realise it helps people learn to be nicer if they are required to behave better.
In other cases, people who have grown up in households where they have had to take on the caretaker or adult role too young can find it difficult later with boundary setting and being overly responsible for other people’s feelings.
This scenario is what caused me to become overly empathic. Through conscious and difficult spiritual work, I was able to turn this misaligned empathy that was causing me anxiety and overwhelm into a superpower. I am now a clairsentient empath, vividly feeling other people’s emotional states, regardless of where they are in the world. I feel where their energy is blocked, distorted or causing them distress and pick up on insecurities, aversions, lust, or even the secret love that folks try to hide. Initially, it wasn’t easy to know which were my feelings and which belonged to others because the energy comes through my chakras, as it does with all empaths.
Discerning the difference between the feelings is the key for any empath to avoid overwhelm. Many people are aware of their empathic abilities; previously, overly sensitive people were shamed for this exceptional quality. Toxic empathy will be their challenge. If you want to know how to manage better and further develop your empathic ability into clairsentience, sign up for my newsletter.
How can we ensure our empathy is the healthy kind?
When you are very sensitive to another’s feelings, it is easy to fall into the trap of constantly trying to protect them, soothe them or acquiesce to make them feel better.
The problems start when their choices or behaviours negatively impact you, them or others. Overly identifying with the pain or fear beneath these actions lessens your ability to call them out or set appropriate boundaries. That is toxic empathy. Also, if you often feel drained, irritated and unappreciated, that’s a sign that some aspect of your life is out of alignment. Check for distorted empathy. As people become more spiritually in tune and aware of their empathic natures, this shadow side of heightened sensitivity to energy is more prominent.
Women often put their partner’s needs ahead of their own.
Women, in particular, can struggle with over-extending themselves due to toxic empathy, as their innate nature is to nurture.
An example in my life was when I was in love with a man who lied to me and was unfaithful. Somehow my instinct was to soothe his feelings around the drama and pain of the break-up, not mine. F*cked up, I know!
Currently, someone in my social circle is so gentle, sweet, and empathetic that they cannot set appropriate consequences for their child’s violent behaviour; thus, the behaviour is getting worse.
I recently had a conversation with a friend’s boyfriend, who was stressing about having to move out of his rental. When I asked why he didn’t move in with his girlfriend, as I knew she was hoping for, he said her kids were the reason; he needed quiet because he worked from home. I pointed out that most people with children manage to work, especially when the kids are school-aged, as these were. He added that her past and ex were added factors influencing his decision.
He had spent the last year living with an elderly alcoholic man, and a thieving younger man he thought was on drugs. I was surprised by his criticism of his girlfriend and her kids and his blindness to his previous living arrangement. When I said as much, he was so offended that he stormed off. Even though I was defending her, she consoled his hurt feelings (ego) and dismissed how he had run her down.
What happens if we keep over-giving?
No one can maintain toxic empathy. Your body will show signs of stress, anxiety and adrenal fatigue if you don’t honour your feelings and needs equally. Left unchecked, it will lead to burnout, panic disorder or addiction issues.
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Recognising relationships where your feelings are secondary or you take too much responsibility for someone else’s happiness is the first step. Shifting the pattern is challenging, particularly as the other person may push back on your attempts to equalise the power dynamic or get your needs met.
Fight for yourself as though your life depends on it because it does. If you can set boundaries and prioritise yourself whilst communicating gently but firmly, you will immeasurably improve your health and well-being. Take time out or write a letter and practice saying ‘No’. Do it imperfectly until you start to trust yourself. It will get easier. For more on why being able to say no is such an essential part of manifesting the things you want in your life, check out :
THE POWER OF “NO” IN MANIFESTING YOUR DREAM LIFE!
Tools to help balance your energy and stop other people’s energy from overwhelming your chakras
*Lead shielding
*Crystals on your chakras
*Sage yourself and your home
*Being in nature
The above tools are all helpful in aligning your energy when being around others has depleted you. Fill your cup with whatever works best for you—bubble baths, yoga, meditation, lunch with friends, reading on the beach. Take one step at a time to gradually increase your energy levels and decrease over-giving. Tip: The quickest way to raise your vibration is to put on your favourite movie or music from childhood. I recently watched Footloose with my kids. We danced around the living room to that fantastic soundtrack from the 80s. I felt 20 years younger afterwards and was buzzing with positivity.
Energetic vampires won’t be able to stay in your space once you balance your empathy.
Some people will not stay around once you’ve unplugged from their vampiric ways. They don’t have enough energy on their own. They will need to find a new supply if you pull yours back. These people are narcissists. They are often drawn to empathic people precisely because they tend to put others’ needs ahead of their own. Particularly with a little coaxing or gaslighting. Let them go. Make space for new people capable of healthy reciprocal relationships. You won’t miss them. Instead, you will wish you hadn’t wasted so much time and energy on them. Guess what? You never have to again. Look after yourself, beautiful, compassionate empath; the world needs you to value yourself. You will light the way for others by teaching them to light their own torches as you have.
For more ways to raise your vibration and renew your energy check out the 5 WAYS YOU CAN RAISE YOUR VIBRATION AND MANIFEST SUCCESS RIGHT NOW!
